NO ONE CAN SAY that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are not a perfect match. She is pregnant with their first child; here is how they chose to express their happiness:

Still basking in the news that he and actress Katie Holmes are expecting their first child, actor Tom Cruise made a "parenthetical addendum" to the tidings with the proclam[a]tion that "bre[a]st milk is for babies that are weak of heart."

"Trying to foist an organic food source upon a child is just unthinkable," said Cruise. "There's nothing in colostrum there that can't be duplicated with Ginko Biloba powder and isometric stimulation."

Cruise, 43, was beaming as he spoke to reporters and fans about the good news.

" I'm so excited to be a dad again, that I've already set up a tiny little treadmill in the dianetics nursery," he said. "I can't wait to play Ashtar Command and Freud the Fraud with my little one."

Holmes, 26, also expressed excitement.

"She's really excited," she said through Cruise, who was standing within earshot. "And Brooke Shields can see the baby just as soon as she gets off the brain beans."

It's nice to know that impending parenthood has filled these two with so much love, generosity, and good will.

UGH.