This Gives American Exceptionalism a Whole New Meaning

September 11, 2001, has led to a major scientific discovery (although for some of us, it's just confirmation of what we already knew): Americans are the planet's only humans:

Just in time for the 5th anniversary of the World Trade Center disaster, scientists have discovered that United States citizens -- alone out of every other people on planet Earth -- possess qualities identifying them as homo sapiens.

The finding was announced today at the Center for Global Disaster, a Washington-based conservative think tank. Dr. Richard Shrapnel, Head of the Center, termed the finding a paradigm shift. "I'd bet my opposable thumbs on it," he stated.

Called a "real morale booster," this discovery is seen as one of the few victories to be snatched from the jaws of massive foreign policy defeat. "Our research funding was cut, due to mounting military expenditures," Dr. Shrapnel explained, "so we at the CGD were reduced to watching hours of TV war news and reading the tabloids. Again and again, we saw Americans embodying nobility, reason, self-actualization -- traits that we think of as human. Conversely, non-Americans -- Iraqis, Lebanese, Palestinians, for example -- appeared not to have these qualities. We were stumped. Then, one day, we looked at each other and realized we held the key to Western Civilization: United States citizens are human beings! All the other nationalities are just people wannabe's!"

Researchers immediately set out to test their hypothesis by interviewing typical Americans on the street.

"For cryin' out loud," exclaimed Marine Sy Plunderton, on leave and visiting Ground Zero. "I spent two years in Iraq -- any moron knows people there aren't human. You can tell because when they die, we don't care. What more proof you want? Hey, you think I should get this framed wiggle-picture of the Statue of Liberty? Look, she's crying."

Christina Detritus, retired grammar school teacher, held a similar position. "What with the anniversary of the World Trade catastrophe coming up, it's been very hard for me to watch the news about those selfish Middle Easterners. I know we're all equal in the sight of God, but I don't think God wants to include foreigners. I mean, what do all those Lebanese, Afghanis, Israelis, Palestinians, and Iraqis who can't stop dying have to do with 3,000 actual human Americans who tragically passed away five years ago? Please, please -- won't somebody think of the Americans?"

Scholars predict this breakthrough, besides inspiring T-shirts for the 9/11 Commemoration, will transform major academic disciplines, particularly the field of anthropology. "It could reconfigure the concept of evolution, itself," surmises Dr. Joan Bloodloss, Senior Fellow at The American Homunculus Foundation. "Although we still believe our species began in Africa, we are now beginning to see that those individuals who migrated north and westward -- particularly across the Atlantic Ocean -- developed more advanced traits as they went, until they reached the North American continent, just below Canada and above Mexico, where, around the year 1776, they became fully human.

"Those who migrated in other directions," continued Dr. Bloodloss, "have remained essentially bipedal primates. You'll see this pattern all across Europe -- except for the French who are, of course, rapidly devolving. Arabs? I'm not even sure if they're primates. We won't really know until we can bomb more of them."

Psychiatry is also expected to undergo major changes in the wake of this study. Although psychotherapists continue to view their chief goal as encouraging healthy self-concepts in their patients, most now conclude that a healthy self-concept for an American patient appears to be an advanced state of megalomania.

Dr. Siegfried Schadenfreude, author of I'm OK, You're in a Detention Camp, observes, "The balanced, functional American sincerely believes that he or she alone matters, and is imbued with godlike powers over life on this planet. If you're merely self-centered or narcissistic, you're not going to make it in this world."

President George W. Bush, in celebration of his godlike powers over life on this planet, is scheduled to speak on September 11 at the World Trade Center Commemoration. There, to a battle-fatigued and shell-shocked world, Mr. Bush intends to proclaim his humanity.

Via Cursor.