Satire That Is So Good It's Not Even Satire

Anyone who is confident enough about his talents as a satirist to name his blog "Jon Swift" had better also have the talent to back it up.

And this Jon Swift does. Earlier this week, Jon tipped his hat to the brave souls on the right -- you know, the ones who tirelessly champion Western traditional civilized values against the barbarian Muslim hordes -- in the matter of Jamie Leigh Jones, who says she was gang-raped by several Halliburton/KBR contractors and then locked in a shipping container for over 24 hours.

Rusty Shackleford at The Jawa Report, Curt at Flopping Aces and former humor blogger Ace of Spades (who recently won the Weblog Award for Best Conservative blogger) are three of the most respected conservative bloggers in the blogosphere. They will stop at nothing to protect America from terrorists. If they gave medals for bravery in a war you are not actually fighting in, these guys would win hands down.

A recent story sorely tested their dedication to the war effort, but all three stepped up to the plate and showed just how far they are willing to go to defend America. Jamie Leigh Jones, a contractor for Halliburton/KBR, says she was gang raped by her co-workers, locked in a shipping container and threatened by her bosses. She was finally rescued by the State Department after she got word to her father who contacted Republican congressmen Ted Poe. If true, the story makes Halliburton/KBR look really bad and the fact that a Republican congressman and the State Department got involved lends some credence to her story. But Shackleford, Curt and Ace did not let that stop them from reflexively defending the military contractor and accusing this woman of being a liar in order to support the war effort. They saw that there was something fishy about the story, besides the fact that it is bad PR for Halliburton/KBR.

Although Shackleford, Curt and Ace don't know anything about the case other than what they have seen on the Internet, they apparently do read mystery stories. Anyone who has read detective novels knows that when all the evidence seems to be pointing one way, you can be sure that what the evidence is telling you is the exact opposite of the truth. Usually, the detective reveals this twist at the end, but Shackleford, Curt and Ace decided to skip right to the last chapter instead of waiting to see what other evidence comes out before drawing any conclusions. Ace, quoting his doppelganger the Church Lady, says Jones' story is "too convenient." Curt, who supports actor Fred Thompson for President, says it sounds "too movie like." Shackleford, no doubt wrinkling his brow and rubbing his beard thoughtfully as the wheels spin in his brain, if he has one (a beard, that is), writes, "It's perfect. Too perfect."

Indeed, if the terrorists wanted to undermine the war effort and destroy Western Civilization as we know it, this would be the perfect way to do it. Find an intelligent, attractive young woman to claim she was gang raped by contractors who work at the Vice President's company, and then get a Republican congressman and the State Department to back up part of her story. It's brilliantly evil and almost foolproof! There was just one thing these clever terrorists didn't count on: bloggers like Shackleford, Curt and Ace who would see right through their fiendish plan.

Some people, however, are just impossible to satirize, because the satirized reality and the actual reality are exactly the same. Here is Jon, writing satirically:

Unfortunately, there are a lot of credulous people out there even on the right. Chris Jones at Red State says he believes her story and is outraged. He doesn't mind if Halliburton/KBR employees rape and murder Iraqis, but he absolutely puts his foot down when it comes to raping Americans. That is going too far. ...

And here is Chris Jones, writing seriously:

Over two years later, the Justice Department has brought no criminal charges in the matter. Legal experts say Jones' alleged assailants will likely never face a judge and jury, due to an enormous loophole that has effectively left contractors in Iraq beyond the reach of United States law.

I have been a strident defender of allowing contractors to be immune from prosecution in Iraq. I don't really lose any sleep over Blackwater having to shoot one or more people for whatever reason.

Immunity for "contractor on Iraqi" crime is one thing, but I never considered that immunity would extend to "contractor on contractor" crimes. Or more specifically "American on American" crimes. Shooting an Iraqi in a war zone is one thing, but American contractors gang-raping a 20-year old American woman is f*cking outrageous.

Okay, are you attempting to scrape yourself off the floor? Wait! Here is the next paragraph but one:

The honest to god truth is that regardless of sleeping quarters, American contractors should act like professionals rather than a bunch of rabid animals. It's this kind of crap that brings dishonor and shame to everyone who's over there trying to do good work.

When satire is as good as that -- and yet isn't satire at all -- how can anyone top it?

Hat tip to Crooks and Liars.